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Sunday, January 23, 2011
Hello? Saaap.
Everything seems so wrong. I know many are jealous of my life. Im young & I live alone. I have my own place, freedom and many things teenage nowadays want. But even with so many friends around me, I just feel like somthing is not right. Why is everybody so happy with somebody & Im like alone with nobody to be proud of ? Every girl is like talking about their boyfriends & showing off their pictures. When they ask me, I just reply "The guy I love is already attached" They will keep quiet but they will show me the face which means, "What the hell are you still doing with him?" I can't answer. Maybe that is just love. I love him alot. I swear I do. But I dont know anymore. I tried hating him. But no more I tried to hate him, the more I miss him. The more I miss him, the more I think of him. The more I think of him, the more I need him. The more I need him, the more I love him. Nobody knows how much he means to me. He's really something. He mean the world. No. More than the world. Haissssssss~ ))))):
But he's not feeling the same way towards me. He calls me one day & disappear for the next few days. Why? There is so many things I wanna say to him. There are promises he haven't fufill to me. I want to go to the freaking Zoo ! Damn. =.= Im weird I know. Everything and everybody seems to be leaving me. My sister, my gem, my love. Why? Kakak has went missing for 2 days now. & she doesnt know how much I miss her. Who else can sing with her Katak voice? I seriously need her beside me again. Kak, you are the one, who have been encouraging me to stay strong, to believe in myself. To believe in God. To believe in fate. You're the reason why Im still standing & not falling. You're the reason Im gaining like 2 kg -.- Kak, you're the best sister in the world. & I will never replace you for even a million dollars. I really do and still do love you. You changes my life and we've gone through so many together. I remember you crying with me when I cried because of him. I remember everything we've done together. We are more than friends. We are more than sisters. You're the best. I hope you will always remember that Kak. Remember that.
My precious gem, left me a few days ago. I cant help but blaming his father. Why did my gem left? Now Im so lonely. I've tried my best to save him, but I just bleed non stop. Did his father even cared? He disappeared. Never even ask about me. He is heartless. To think I have given my all to him. Im fucking idiotic baboon -.- If he wanna leave just leave. He dont have to take my gem away. He dont have to put me in this position. What is my sin to him? Aper dosa I kat U? Hmm? Aper? You left me. You took my heart, my gem, my life. I dont even know if Im alive or dead. I can't sleep properly anymore. Time check now, 2.44am. Its been 4 days Im taking drugs just to sleep. & when I cant sleep I go mad. Why did I put down on him? Why? I keep saying I hate him. But my heart just dont agree. But maybe I will get use to it. Though I think about him every minute of my life. I bought a small baby T-shirt with the wording "I love mum" when I got my results & I've always dreamt on seeing my gem wearing it. But that will never happen. Now I bring that shirt everywhere, smelling it. When I think of my gem, I think of him along. I miss him. I miss my gem. I miss both of them.
That baboon. He took my heart, my smile, my laughter, my life away. Everybody is telling me he's just using me. I feel hurt. But I just cant help it. For some reason, I just can feel that he thinks of me & misses me. My younger sis is always screaming at me, saying im a "DESPERATO". I am. But im desperately in love with him & only him. Say whatever you all wanna say. I just want you to know, my baboon. That I've tried so hard to forget you. I've tried my best. Trust me. I just can't make this feeling stop. Hear the song by Jesse Macartney- Just so you know. Its for you. I love you so much too much that I cant seem to hate you. I seem to forgive you for every thing you're doing to me. I dont know why. Remember what I told you? Do you still think about me? Cause I still do. Or I wont be fucking blogging.
Now Im writting from my heart. Ayang, do you know Ive been waiting for your call? Do you know Ive been thinking about you all day and night? Do you know before I close my eyes you're the last person I think of? Do you know when I open my eyes, you're the first person I ever think of? I tell you that I love you not because I am being mushy or whatever . I say I love you, to remind you, that you're the best thing tht has ever happend to me. Do you know I feel hurt everytime you scold me for keeping your picture? Do you know I feel hurt everytime you accuse me for stuff I never do? So you know I feel hurt everytime you remind me that you're in a relationship? Do you know all that? Is it my fault that I can't let you go? You made me fall in love with you Ayang. And you told me after I gave you my heart. What was your motive? We meet rarely and we really never got the chance to talk. Hais. I miss you badly. & I need you.
Love, Shaliza Labels: Drug Addict ?
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