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Friday, January 21, 2011
Wassup ?!
Heyhihello.
Im back yo. Why Im back? Cause I got nothing better else to do. Like seriously. I spent most of my time on the computer till I dont know what I should do. Chatting? I have no interest in guys anymore. (That doesnt mean Im lesbian ok? -.- ) I spent my time thinking and thinking. As my blog is not private. I won'y mention any names here. So take your time figuring out aites?
First of all. Many things had happend in my life. Though Im happily living it alone. I do feel lonely. But what else can I ask for? I find myself nowadays confused. And I dont know what I should do. Maybe that is why Im opening this blog. Maybe he can read it everyday when he thinks of me or misses me. Well, I think of him every single day of my life. Though now I do have this hatred towards him. I can't deny, I still love him :'( I really do.
I drew his name on my wall & now I cross it out in blue marker-.- I deleted every thing about him. But for some reason I just can't erase him of my mind. Sometimes I dont know. Does he really really love me? He's already attached y' know. Ya, Im dumb. What am I doing? I told myself never to pick up his calls anymore but I keep waiting for him. I told myself not to think of him anymroe, but I keep missing him. I love the way we joke around. The way we irritate each other. & though I have every right to go out with another guy or contact others, I just dont feel like doing so. I deleted 98 contacts from my phone. Why? I told everyone Im enggaged to him so guys dont flirt with me but what for? He himself told me. Do not keep my hopes up. It hurts. But he doesn't care. He doesn't care at all. He doesn't care if I'm hurt. Why?? There's so many things I wanna ask him. There's so many things I wanna know. There's so many things I want to tell him but I didn't have the chance to say so. When I sent him to the door, after we kissed, I've always long-ed to hear him say "I love you" But he never once did. I've always dreamt of saying that to him. I just don't know why I didn't.
If you're reading this, I just want you to know how much you had mean to me. I've wanted to tell you, but I never had the chance to.
Ayang, You're the best thing that had ever happend to me. How much you mean to me, you don't really understand it yet. When I'm with you I feel happy. You know the way to make me smile. You asked me, "Why do you still want to meet me after I told you I'm already attached?" Is this a rejection? The answer is. You make me happy. You make me feel like Im on the top of the world. When Im in your arms, I've always wished time would stop. That momment me seeing you smile, me in your arms, is perfect. Maybe I'm just a small kid in your eyes, but you're perfect in mine. I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else. I'd rather be in a storm with you than safe and warm all by myself. I really really really love you.
Since the day you held my hand on the expressway on your motor, I had loved you. Since the day you thought me to be patient, I had loved you. Since the day you tickled my feet when I was sleeping, I had loved you. Since the day you called me "NorLiza" I had loved you. I had always loved you. What is love to me? When I say I love you, to me, it meant that nothing is more important to me than your happiness. It meant that your smile will make my day. It means that I wanna spent the rest of my life with you. It meant that I'm willing to do anything for you. It means that I can never imagine being with anyone else besides you. It means that you are the best thing that has ever happend to me.
What does love mean to you? I dont know if you do. You will call me one day and disappear for the next few days. You left me thinking and thinking. You are always on my mind. Why did I reject your call? Im not sure. My heart wants you again. But Im forcing myself not to. You made me so stress that Im bleeding now. I dont even know what is happening to me. But dont you even care? Do you know that I have been crying day and night thinking about you and "it"? Did you know that? Did you know that I have never stop thinking of you. I dont know how am I suppose to react. Im hurt deep inside. Are you happy now? Are you happy knowing that you had took away something that had meant the world to me? Are you happy knowing that I cut myself cos of you? Are you proud now?
I know you still think and miss me. But I dont know anymore. For how long more we can keep this up? Maybe we are never fated to be together. What was I thinking? How long more can I lock myself from everybody else? I have always knew that one day you will leave me. I never thought it would be this soon. Why didn't our love last longer? I never even get to go to the 'zoo' with you. Since 14 December 2010 till now,I've never forgotten about you.
Thank you. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for making me happy and laugh. Thank you for advising me the way through. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being patient with my childish character. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for taking your time to come down to see me. Thank you for calling me every time you have the time.
Thank you. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for keeping my hopes up than crushing it. Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for making me believe yor lies. Thank you for making me making me from a NON drinker to a HEAVY drinker. Thank you for giving me "it" to me than forcing me throw "it" away.
Thank you for making me confuse. Thank you for making me wait for your call every time you disappeared.
I hope when you're in bed with her, you think of me. I will never pray for the worst between you and her, but I surely dont wish the best. I hope when you look at her, you will think of me. I hope when you see any baby out there in the world, you would remember the hurt you had cause me. I hope you will remember how you made me cry. I hope you will never forget me.
Till now, I can't help myself but loving you. I dont have any other guy to replace you yet. But one day I will get one. Cause you're not worth it. I'm not your toy. Im not your spare tire. If you love me, stay with me. If you dont know, than leave me. Last long with her. I can't do anything else anymore. Cause Im confused.
The shirt you wore the first time you met me, is also the last shirt you wore for the last time you met me.
Work hard, and jgn nakal2 ok?
Yours truly, Ahgirl Cinaa Labels: hate that I love you
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